We have had three very long and very emotional days.
On Monday we went to the ministry of education and were handed two files. The first file was for a little girl named “Elena”. She turned 2 in April. We met her at the orphanage about an hour later. They brought her to an office she had not been in before.
She was very shy, and wimpered-cried at being near people she had not met and being in a new environment. But her caretaker was wonderfully loving, and it was obvious she felt safe with that person. This seemed like very healthy behavior, and we were glad to see it, even though it meant she did not warm up to us right way. Her doctor was there and we discussed her health at length. After an hour, I slowly came closer to her and began interacting with her. Eventually she sat in my lap without a problem. She has not seen very many men in her lifetime, so she did not warm up to Victor at all on day one.
This little girl was born with a disability. She is missing her left arm as well as a pinky and thumb on her right hand. Her cognitive skills seem very good to us, and the Russian doctors assured us she is doing well both mentally and emotionally. She is behind in many things, but mostly due to the challenges of living with only one arm. For instance, she has not yet learned to walk on her own, but balance is especially difficult for her. She grabs things around her to help her walk. She is quite adept at manipulating objects with her three fingers. And she is adorable.
Our initial reaction to her was very positive and it continues to be so. On day two we (Victor, the translator, and I) were left alone with her in the office. She cried a lot at first, but quieted down after 5 minutes or so. I kept her in my lap. Victor hid from her because he was scary to her. After an hour, he was able to begin offering her toys to play with, and at the end of our two hours, he was able to hold her in his arms. Today, Wednesday, she cried only for the initial moment of being passed off to us, then she was quiet and content. She was comfortable with either of us. We took her outside and she stood with assistance, and found it great fun to try to walk short distances from Victor to me by grabbing onto one of our hands. She has not yet learned to stand up without grabbing something for support or to walk without help. It was great to see her smile and even laugh a few times today.
We are feeling very positive about adopting her, and just heard back from the Adoption Medicine folks at the University of Washington who are specialists in Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. They have given an initially good report of her health and growth. They have confirmed that she does not show any signs of alcohol abuse during pregnancy, and they have asked for a specialist’s 2nd opinion regarding her limb deficiencies, which we are waiting for. The doctor has seen several children with limb deficiencies do quite well. He felt she would be able to do many things and live an independent adult life in spite of her deficiency. We will make a decision by Friday, but we are feeling 90% that we will be bringing her home this coming August or September.
The second file we were handed was for a boy of 19 months. We read the file at the ministry of education, and I immediately sensed a “no” in my spirit. The file said he required special attention. We went to meet him in the afternoon, and saw that he had all the symptoms and facial characteristics of fetal alcohol syndrome. He played with toys, but did not interact with us much. He showed little emotion—delight or fear,and had a disturbing tendency to throw himself backwards on the ground. We especially felt concerned about adopting such a boy along with Elena, who will have special needs of her own. So we asked for a new referral. They actually require you to sign a denial of the referral. This was not easy, and we were emotionally drained by the end of Monday.
Yesterday we were given a new referral for a little boy. He was born on Christmas of 2004. We met him, and liked him. He seems to be sweet, playful, and obedient. He was initially shy with us, but warmed up…especially to Victor. He seemed like a good candidate for an older brother to the little girl. He does not appear to have the facial characteristics nor behavior issues associated with fetal alcohol syndrome. However, we sent his medical information and several photos to the UW doctors. We were extremely disappointed to learn that he is actually in a high risk category for FAS, as well as other risks due to his mother’s health and the care he has received. There is a great risk that he would be a difficult child to raise with both mental and behavorial issues due to the accumlution of several risk factors. Again, we had to consider Elena’s well being in addition to our own. It was very, very difficult to deny this referral today as well.
At the time of the second referral, the ministry of education told us that this boy was the only one left available in the entire region without severe medical issues. We find this hard to believe since we have now been to three separate orphanages, and all of them seem to have several happy little children who do not have noticeable problems. Supposedly most of these children are not available for adoption; perhaps their families have placed them there temporarily. Perhaps they have already been referred to other adoptive families, either Russian or American. We don’t know. We have also been told by several social workers that 99.9% of children available for adoption are there due to the mother’s alcohol abuse. In spite of these things, we have been offered to return to the ministry for another try, but we don’t feel emotionally able to go through this again, so we have decided not to pursue a 2nd child at this time.
Before leaving for Russia, I had a long phone conversation with the doctors at the U of W, and they encouraged us to consider adopting only one child. We had never considered just one before, but they informed us that the success rates for happy adoptions are much better when unrelated children are adopted one at a time. Even so, it is sad for us to accept this as a reality for the time being, and even sadder for us to consider the possible future lives of these boys who we have chosen not to adopt.
As you can see, the days here have been long and draining. A lot of emotion and prayer, coupled with long drives. One of the orphanages is two hours away, and another is 1.5 hours. Thankfully, Elena’s orphanage is here in Vladivostok. We have been very thankful to the Lord for giving us unity of heart with the decisions we are making, and we feel His presence with us. We also feel your prayers and support tremendously.
Even though this process has been difficult, we are very excited about adopting Elena. We feel extremely fortunate to have been referred such a child as she is. We loved hearing her laugh and giggle, and seeing her attempts at walking and her fascination with transferring pine cones from one coffee can to another.
Blessings, Victor and Carina
